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Bush Appoints Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq
Gropenfuehrer To Head Up Iraq Sex Probe, President Says

By Michael K. Smith

Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 6:29 PM EDT (2229 GMT)

(GWB) -- President Bush appointed California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq yesterday, promising the U.S. would get to the bottom of the Abu Ghraib sex abuse scandal once and for all.  "It is time to put the hypercriticism to rest and find out how we are completely innocent," said Bush in a national radio address.  "No one probes more thoroughly than I do," added Schwarzenegger from Sacramento.

Schwarzenegger told the Los Angeles Times that his three decades molesting women in public make him uniquely qualified to understand what went wrong in Iraq. "I can tell you one mistake they made right now.   Cameras are supposed to be used to transmit unreality, not reality.  That's basic.  I can't believe they used them for showing the truth."    

Schwarzennegger  went immediately to work to restore American perspective on the Abu Ghraib scandal.   "Yes it is true that American soldiers were on some rowdy action sets in Iraq and may have done things that were not right and which they thought were playful," Schwarzenegger said at a San Diego rally kicking off a four-day fundraiser for Gropers Anonymous.  "But other than the homosexual stuff, what did they do that was really wrong?"   

Later, the Governor softened and issued a public apology:  "We now recognize that corralling innocent people and sodomizing them can bruise feelings.  To those sensitive few we may have offended, I want to say that we are deeply sorry the cameras were there and we apologize," he said.

In the rest of his speech, Schwarzenegger vowed to be a "hands-on" champion of the sexually abused from now on.  "The laying on of hands can be a real healing experience," he said, "and I intend to help as many victims as possible."

Dan Blather talked with former President Clinton about President Bush and Governor Schwarzenegger's handling of the Iraq prison abuse crisis. The following is an edited transcript:

Blather: What does the Schwarzenegger appointment mean?

Clinton: It means that sexual contact between U.S. security forces and Iraqi civilians is a private matter that the media have no business meddling in.  Enough already with this Sexual McCarthyism!

Blather:  Great point!   There is one thing you can say about a Hollywood actor ... he knows how to put on a production. He left for Baghdad on his airbus nicknamed "The Molester." This suggests he can poke fun at himself as well as bodily appendages at women. That's versatility, isn't it?

Clinton:   It certainly is.  Of course, I tried some diversionary jokes out on Ken Starr, but they never seemed to tickle his funny bone.  I guess I need more work on my delivery.    

Blather: Do you think President Bush values Governor Schwarzenegger's experience with group sex and groping women?

Clinton:   I do.  Remember, President Bush spent the Vietnam years bed-hopping with West Texas bimbos, so he appreciates a manly man as much as anyone.  And Schwarzenegger was just trying to bring publicity to weightlifting by getting involved in group sex.  That is obviously a sound strategy that will reap similar dividends in Iraq.  Maybe he can schedule a kind of Sexual Olympics there and pass off the whole Abu Ghraib business as the learning phase for a new sport.  It's worth a shot.

Blather:  Any chance you'll get back in action yourself?

Clinton:  I don't think so.  I'm really an amateur at this sex abuse business.  That's why I got bogged down in thong underwear and cigars and what the meaning of the word is is.  Attack dogs and mass sodomy are well beyond my range.

Blather:  Well, we all enjoyed it nonetheless.

Clinton:  Except Hillary! (laughs)
Michael K. Smith is the author of "The Madness of King George" (illustrations by Matt Wuerker), from Common Courage Press.


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