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Debate 2: A Masterful Performance By King George
Devastating Royal Logic Awes Senator Kerry,Voters
Quickly rebounding from his lackluster performance in the first
debate, George W. Bush delivered a knockout blow in round two with an
impeccable command of facts and logic that left Senator Kerry and the
audience gasping at his Royal Insights. Though his Divine Debating Style
can hardly be captured in words, a summary of King George's key points
1.) "I don't think the Patriot Act abridges your rights at all."
A stunning insight that has eluded the best legal minds to date.
The only thing the state is authorized to do to us that it wasn't before
the era of the Patriot Act and secret military tribunal is: (1) arrest us
without cause (2) hold us indefinitely without charge (3) subject us to
secret military trial (4) replace juries with military officers (5)
suspend rules of evidence (6) prevent us from witnessing our own trial (7)
prevent us from seeing the evidence against us (8) convict us on hearsay
(9) torture us (10) execute us in secret (11) execute our friends and
associates for "harboring" us.
Nothing else has changed, not one little bit.
2.) "I tried diplomacy."
At last, the truth is told. President Bush very diplomatically
ignored the fact that Saddam Hussein had disarmed after Gulf War I, at the
same time bellowing to the whole world that he was a brutal tyrant without
rival in history and lived only to torture, murder, and make mass graves.
He then very prudently launched a huge propaganda campaign to convince
Americans that Saddam was involved in 9-11, wisely omitting mention of the
fact that Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein hated each other and Bin
Laden had offered to fight Hussein after Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1990.
Bush patiently delivered ultimatum after ultimatum to Saddam to dismantle
weapons he didn't possess, gently promising to bombard Iraq with
satellite-guided missiles and bombs if he didn't get his way. He went to
the UN in good faith, announcing that the Security Council must endorse
U.S. aggression in Iraq or be declared irrelevant.
Has anyone ever gone the extra mile for diplomacy more than King
George? I think not.
3.) "Our [Iraq] plan is working."
Like a charm. Business is booming at Iraqi morgues, there is a
huge uptick in demand for nuclear materials via Iran and Pakistan, and Al
Qaeda's recruitment problems are solved for all time. Who could ask for
Not to mention U.S. forces are winning! They have taken Samarra
three times in just the last year-and-a-half. Fallujah is being bombed
nightly and will soon be invaded and wrecked. Happily, Najaf is pretty
much demolished already. The Bush plan is to make a great show of force
with air power, so as to keep casualty counts from rising before the U.S.
selection in November. Then after King George is re-annointed he can
carpet bomb the country to a lifeless moonscape and install whatever
government he wants amidst the rubble. Praise his holy name!
Don't pay attention to those stubborn people in black masks who
are establishing check points on all roads leading in and out of Baghdad.
And don't give it a thought that Iraqi police in Mosul are giving part of
their pay to a nationwide resistance movement determined to expel the U.S.
from Iraq. We already know the Iraqi people love us. One of the last
polls taken by the U.S.-led Coalition Provisional Authority this past
summer showed that support for the U.S. occupation had soared to 2%. So
not to worry and crank up the draft.
Let's not forget that Bush has already delivered on his 2000
campaign pledge to be a uniter and not a divider. I mean, he has united
the Sunnis and the Shi'ites, the militant moujahedeen and the Iraqi
nationalists, all of whom now hate the U.S. more than they do each other!
Who would have thought it possible?
Anyway, the Iraqi elections in January are bound to turn out
wonderfully with 138,000 U.S. troops occupying the country. Any candidate
favoring their continued presence is sure to be popular and may even live
past election day. As Bush says, one should strive to be optimistic.
4.) " . . . we're working together to try to bring this deficit under
Absolutely true. Just because the Bush Administration's own
economists estimate that the government will be unable to pay $44 trillion
of bills in the coming decades, a fact they deleted from their annual
budget report in 2004, is no reason to doubt the validity of this claim.
It is true that Bush was trying to ram through another tax reduction for
the rich at the time this information was suppressed, but this is merely
proof that Kinge George's Divine Wisdom works in mysterious ways. There's
certainly no cause to get cynical. After all, White House spokesperson
Ari Fleischer did state quite frankly: "There is no question that Social
Security and Medicare are going to present [future] generations with a
crushing debt burden unless policymakers work seriously to reform those
programs" - that is, by meat-axing benefits. Once again, don't worry.
The Treasury Department says that the entire problem could be solved
instantly with nothing more than an across-the-board income tax-increase
Anyway, King George is certainly wise to bankrupt the government
so we will have no choice but to put our health care and retirement funds
completely in the hands of the stock market. Once our entire fate is in
the stock market, we will have a vested interest in keeping stock prices
high by undermining wage increases, dispensing with health and safety
regulations, and aborting all social democratic policies that make life
worth living but restrict profits. In short, we'll all be Republicans.
5. "What happens in those forests, because of lousy federal policy, is
they grow to be - they are not - they're not harvested. They're not taken
Only a mind of singularly awesome powers could discern that trees
are best taken care of by being cut down. This policy could and should be
extended to many other areas of social life. For example, parents could
care for their children by harvesting their organs for profit. Homeowners
could protect themselves against the winter cold by setting their houses
on fire. Farmers could take care of their crops by exposing them to
locusts. The opportunities are boundless.
6.) "I guess you'd say I'm a good steward of the land."
Unfortunately, this Royal Insight remained undeveloped, as the
studio audience spontaneously burst into gales of laughter for some
reason. Perhaps the White House will provide further details.
7.) "The quality of the air's cleaner since I've been president."
Who can doubt it? Smog is virtually gone now that President Bush
has put industrial polluters on the honor system as far as obeying
environmental laws go. Last year the Bush Administration decided to allow
thousands of the nation's dirtiest coal-fired power plants and refineries
to upgrade their facilities without installing costly anti-pollution
equipment, as they previously had been ordered to do. Under the rule
change, industry is allowed to save billions of dollars in
pollution-control equipment costs while continuing to emit hundreds of
thousands of tons of pollutants.
A Bush policy so ingenious it will surely take your breath away!
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