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Debate 2: A Masterful Performance By King George

Devastating Royal Logic Awes Senator Kerry,Voters

Quickly rebounding from his lackluster performance in the first debate, George W. Bush delivered a knockout blow in round two with an impeccable command of facts and logic that left Senator Kerry and the audience gasping at his Royal Insights. Though his Divine Debating Style can hardly be captured in words, a summary of King George's key points follows:

1.) "I don't think the Patriot Act abridges your rights at all."

A stunning insight that has eluded the best legal minds to date. The only thing the state is authorized to do to us that it wasn't before the era of the Patriot Act and secret military tribunal is: (1) arrest us without cause (2) hold us indefinitely without charge (3) subject us to secret military trial (4) replace juries with military officers (5) suspend rules of evidence (6) prevent us from witnessing our own trial (7) prevent us from seeing the evidence against us (8) convict us on hearsay (9) torture us (10) execute us in secret (11) execute our friends and associates for "harboring" us.

Nothing else has changed, not one little bit.

2.) "I tried diplomacy."

At last, the truth is told. President Bush very diplomatically ignored the fact that Saddam Hussein had disarmed after Gulf War I, at the same time bellowing to the whole world that he was a brutal tyrant without rival in history and lived only to torture, murder, and make mass graves. He then very prudently launched a huge propaganda campaign to convince Americans that Saddam was involved in 9-11, wisely omitting mention of the fact that Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein hated each other and Bin Laden had offered to fight Hussein after Iraq invaded Kuwait in 1990. Bush patiently delivered ultimatum after ultimatum to Saddam to dismantle weapons he didn't possess, gently promising to bombard Iraq with satellite-guided missiles and bombs if he didn't get his way. He went to the UN in good faith, announcing that the Security Council must endorse U.S. aggression in Iraq or be declared irrelevant.

Has anyone ever gone the extra mile for diplomacy more than King George? I think not.

3.) "Our [Iraq] plan is working."

Like a charm. Business is booming at Iraqi morgues, there is a huge uptick in demand for nuclear materials via Iran and Pakistan, and Al Qaeda's recruitment problems are solved for all time. Who could ask for more?

Not to mention U.S. forces are winning! They have taken Samarra three times in just the last year-and-a-half. Fallujah is being bombed nightly and will soon be invaded and wrecked. Happily, Najaf is pretty much demolished already. The Bush plan is to make a great show of force with air power, so as to keep casualty counts from rising before the U.S. selection in November. Then after King George is re-annointed he can carpet bomb the country to a lifeless moonscape and install whatever government he wants amidst the rubble. Praise his holy name!

Don't pay attention to those stubborn people in black masks who are establishing check points on all roads leading in and out of Baghdad. And don't give it a thought that Iraqi police in Mosul are giving part of their pay to a nationwide resistance movement determined to expel the U.S. from Iraq. We already know the Iraqi people love us. One of the last polls taken by the U.S.-led Coalition Provisional Authority this past summer showed that support for the U.S. occupation had soared to 2%. So not to worry and crank up the draft.

Let's not forget that Bush has already delivered on his 2000 campaign pledge to be a uniter and not a divider. I mean, he has united the Sunnis and the Shi'ites, the militant moujahedeen and the Iraqi nationalists, all of whom now hate the U.S. more than they do each other! Who would have thought it possible?

Anyway, the Iraqi elections in January are bound to turn out wonderfully with 138,000 U.S. troops occupying the country. Any candidate favoring their continued presence is sure to be popular and may even live past election day. As Bush says, one should strive to be optimistic.

4.) " . . . we're working together to try to bring this deficit under control."

Absolutely true. Just because the Bush Administration's own economists estimate that the government will be unable to pay $44 trillion of bills in the coming decades, a fact they deleted from their annual budget report in 2004, is no reason to doubt the validity of this claim. It is true that Bush was trying to ram through another tax reduction for the rich at the time this information was suppressed, but this is merely proof that Kinge George's Divine Wisdom works in mysterious ways. There's certainly no cause to get cynical. After all, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer did state quite frankly: "There is no question that Social Security and Medicare are going to present [future] generations with a crushing debt burden unless policymakers work seriously to reform those programs" - that is, by meat-axing benefits. Once again, don't worry. The Treasury Department says that the entire problem could be solved instantly with nothing more than an across-the-board income tax-increase of 66%.

Anyway, King George is certainly wise to bankrupt the government so we will have no choice but to put our health care and retirement funds completely in the hands of the stock market. Once our entire fate is in the stock market, we will have a vested interest in keeping stock prices high by undermining wage increases, dispensing with health and safety regulations, and aborting all social democratic policies that make life worth living but restrict profits. In short, we'll all be Republicans. Hallelujah!

5. "What happens in those forests, because of lousy federal policy, is they grow to be - they are not - they're not harvested. They're not taken care of."

Only a mind of singularly awesome powers could discern that trees are best taken care of by being cut down. This policy could and should be extended to many other areas of social life. For example, parents could care for their children by harvesting their organs for profit. Homeowners could protect themselves against the winter cold by setting their houses on fire. Farmers could take care of their crops by exposing them to locusts. The opportunities are boundless.

6.) "I guess you'd say I'm a good steward of the land."

Unfortunately, this Royal Insight remained undeveloped, as the studio audience spontaneously burst into gales of laughter for some reason. Perhaps the White House will provide further details.

7.) "The quality of the air's cleaner since I've been president."

Who can doubt it? Smog is virtually gone now that President Bush has put industrial polluters on the honor system as far as obeying environmental laws go. Last year the Bush Administration decided to allow thousands of the nation's dirtiest coal-fired power plants and refineries to upgrade their facilities without installing costly anti-pollution equipment, as they previously had been ordered to do. Under the rule change, industry is allowed to save billions of dollars in pollution-control equipment costs while continuing to emit hundreds of thousands of tons of pollutants.

A Bush policy so ingenious it will surely take your breath away! Back to Article Index
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