Bush Vows to Print "As Much Money As It Takes" to Defeat Debt
Author: Presses Groan Under Added Load
DENVER (GWB) --
President Bush toured the Denver Mint on Wednesday as the nation's paper money
presses reached capacity. "We can print unlimited money because it's really
only paper," Bush assured nervous Wall Street analysts. "But we need the right
equipment or we let the terrorists win."
Mint officials have ordered additional printing presses from Taiwan to keep up
with surging demand. "We must print over a billion dollars a day to cover the
$400 billion in red ink this year alone, and that puts enormous strain on our
equipment," said Henrietta Fore, Director of the United States Mint. Mint
officials are considering alternatives, such as a $200 bill, wooden nickels, and
bartering with fowl. "We like to think outside the coop," winked Ms. Fore.
Government spending, having leaped by 27% over the last two years alone, is
creating unprecedented demand in the mint and paper industry. The price of
high-grade paper has jumped to levels not seen since the heady Reagan era,
stimulating economic activity in the industrial sector and saving the Bush
The President jauntily deflected criticism that toilet paper would soon be worth
more than the national currency, stating this could happen "only if Tom
Daschle's face gets on the bills."
Plans for getting Bush's face on a new denomination are accelerating. House
Majority Leader Tom Delay recommended it be used on a million dollar bill, which
he claimed would be popular with the nation's burgeoning pack of upwardly mobile