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US


Bush Urges Seniors to Get Back to Work

Author: $7 Trillion National Debt Cited

Posted: 10:36 AM (-0500 TZ)

WASHINGTON (GWB) --
President Bush signed a job-training bill into law Friday to ease the elderly back to work and "end senior loafing as we know it." Bush told a cheering group of nursing home residents that, "There is no free lunch. Cooking and cleaning keeps us fiscally fit and gives seniors moral fiber." Amidst much laughter he added that, "We all know you folks can't get too much fiber."

The newest jobs are ideally suited to the elderly, whose decreased capacities are a perfect match for the tediously monotonous routines favored by employers. GOP plans call for training elderly fry cooks, janitors, Wal-Mart greeters, and nuclear waste disposal experts. The latter is deemed appropriate for those of advanced age, since long gestation periods for cancer don't matter to seniors who will die soon anyway.

With a national debt approaching $7 trillion, Treasury Secretary John Snow added, "Pay as you go is the only way the unproductive elderly can shoulder their portion of the national debt." He added, "If they don't pay it off before they die they'll be deadbeats in more ways than one."

Given the $5.60 an hour minimum wage, most seniors face the unhappy prospect of leaving the debt to their grandkids. But President Bush kindly reassures them that if they work 100 hours a week between ages 65 and 90 they can die with the relief that only their children will be debt-enslaved.

Ruth Perkins, a resident of Lazy Meadows Living Center in Tampa, shared her nervousness about rejoining the workforce while crippled with arthritis. "It's been years since I've peeled a potato, but I feel too guilty about my portion of the debt to sit still." She has applied for a position bagging "Freedom Fries" at the local Burger King, which she cheerfully says, "will give a whole new meaning to the Golden Years." That's the spirit, Ruth!

Frank Monroe, a retired engineer in Houston, reflected on his generation's excesses while nursing a battered thumb: "I always wanted to use one of the Pentagon's $600 hammers but now I'm too blind to see a nail." Monroe plans on a career in telemarketing so that he can "rest in peace knowing the unborn will not have to suffer under my debt burden." He conceded ruefully that the American Dream has taken a new turn: "It was fun while it lasted but seniors owe a lot of cash to future generations and I am determined to sell magazine subscriptions as long as there is breath in my body."

Brimming with optimism about his future, he indicated that Survivalist magazines like "The Creative Predator" and manuals detailing aboriginal skills were "selling at a brisk pace."

 

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