"Bush Chosen By God," Faithful Report
Author: Christ-like Image Unmistakable
NORMAN (GWB) --
President Bush is seen by many of his supporters as an answer to their prayers.
"He was hand picked by the man upstairs and that's good enough for
me," gushes Tammy Foster, a spot welder from Norman, Oklahoma. She
points to Divine Inspiration to explain the miracle of Bush's getting Iraq
to disarm as a prelude to U.S. attack. "If that's not Christlike,
I don't know what is," said Foster.
"There was only one Jesus," Bush whispered during a recent Sunday service, "but
in all humility I probably come closer to him than anyone else this millennium."
Bush reiterated his view that U.S. Mideast policy would bring on Armageddon and
give the gift of the Second Coming to all humanity. Given the upsurge in demand
for fissionable materials in Iran and Pakistan following the U.S. invasion of
Iraq, his expectations appear to be amply justified.
Excitement over the imminent fulfillment of scripture is building nostalgia at
the White House. At a recent Guns For God rally, Bush recollected fondly that
the last time he felt the Rapture was during a 3-week coke binge in Galveston in
the 1980's. The coma that ensued was pure bliss and medical experts are
confident he will someday recover from it.
Like all great Holy Men Bush is extremely modest, and he made light of his early
glimpse at enlightenment. "The rush we will feel at the Rapture will eclipse
anything I have ever felt before," he enthused. Coke dealers remain skeptical
of this claim, however, pointing out that the euphoria brought on by Bush's
prodigious snorting capacities is not easily surpassed.
The event has already attracted pious souls from far and wide. Dozens of
supporters have gathered around a 1983 Ford Taurus in the small town of Fort,
Missouri located 60 miles west of St. Louis where the image of Bush was first
reported to have appeared on the front windshield in a mush of bug guts.
"It has changed my life," testified Wilma Featherling, who now lives encamped
beside the sacred vehicle. "I was just walking across the parking lot and
suddenly saw Bush rising from the dead - bugs that is." In hushed tones, the
awed Ms. Featherling related that the image of Bush the Divine had a missile in
one hand while it dashed an emaciated Palestinian on a rock with the other.
"Witnessing that miracle was awe-inspiring," she said. "I've decided to devote
the rest of my life to giving Bush a life term as president."