Bush To Raise Retirement Age to 82
Author: Shortfall in Social Security Cited
WASHINGTON (GWB) --
President Bush called a press conference on Wednesday to announce his "Seniors
Get Back to Work" program. His refreshing frankness indicates he is one of the
few politicians willing to tell the truth about the coming bankruptcy of the
Social Security system. "There's no longer any reason to hide the obvious,"
Bush admitted, "The tax cuts we gave to the hardest-working 1% have created an
enormous problem with the solvency of our so-called safety net."
The president stubbornly insisted his policy was the correct one, however, since
it gives ordinary Americans the opportunity to take responsibility for their own
retirement needs. Many can-do octogenarians are already building shanty towns
in preparation for Bush's widely heralded "responsibility era." "It's the least
I can do to help out," said Gil McClain, 84, of Philadelphia. "I feel like a
sponger cashing these government checks every month, and I'd much rather live in
a cardboard house I earn with honest toil."
Bush's "honesty is the best policy" approach is an effort to solidify his
Christian base in preparation for the 2004 elections. "We only reward those who
reward us with campaign cash," he explained. "Senior citizens are poor campaign
contributors and face it, you get what you pay for." And if you can't pay, you
go without, which means an end to Communist slave initiatives like the New Deal
and the Great Society.
Dorothy Gibbons, a nursing home resident at the Happy Hills Home in New Hope,
Ohio, who passed the hat for President Bush at dinner, hopes she can dodge the
new law. "I'm 78 but my knees hurt at the thought of four more years."
"This is the sort of negativism characteristic of spoiled citizens who have
lived for years on the federal dole," hissed Newt Gingrich when informed of
Gibbons' remarks. "It's high time we eliminated Social Security and spent the
money on missile defense instead. After all, which is more important,
militarizing space or giving senior citizens a few hundred dollars a month to
squander on food or lifesaving drugs?"
Bush's father, George HW Bush, turns 80 this year and won't be exempt from
the work requirement until 2006. "That gives me a couple of years to get
back in shape," the former President quipped, "I haven't run a slush fund in
years."
Daddy Bush made haste to point out that his son's policy initiative would be
good for the economy. "For years dog food manufacturers have complained they
lost sales to the elderly after Social Security went through," said Bush. "But
after we force the geezers to fend for themselves, things will get back to
normal."
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