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US


Saddam Captured, Bush Vows "Justice Will Be Done!"

President Stoically Accepts Arrest of Cabinet Members Implicated in Iraq Crimes

Posted: 10:36 AM (-0500 TZ)

WASHINGTON (GWB) --
President Bush on Sunday said the capture of toppled Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was good news for the Iraqi people and the world.

"For the vast majority of Iraqi citizens who wish to live as free men and women, this event brings further assurance that the torture chambers and the secret police will now be in the hands of good Christians who know right from wrong," Bush said during a five-minute formal television address.  "The world can rest assured that God's justice will reign," added Bush, in remarks that found immediate favor with Iraqi religious extremists.  

In a somewhat surprising development, Saddam's co-conspirators were quickly routed out after the former Iraqi dictator was found with $750,000 in a "spider hole" in Tikrit.  A chagrined Donald Rumsfeld was captured on his way home from Church.  "I'm sorry I helped Saddam carry out that gassing business," said the Defense Secretary.  "Loyalty convinced me to comply with President Reagan's wishes but now my conscience has caught up with me."  Rumsfeld is being transferred to the Hague where he will stand trial for crimes against humanity.  Slobodan Milosevic immediately offered free legal advice.

Dick Cheney was nabbed at CIA headquarters where he was redacting Agency documents to retroactively prove that Saddam ordered the 9-11 attacks.  Faced with accusations that he and Halliburton had profited off of rebuilding Saddam's oil industry after slaughtering 200,000 Iraqis in the first Gulf War, Cheney broke down in tears.  "I didn't mean any harm," he sobbed, "I was just trying to get a few dollars together for a heart operation."

Colin Powell turned himself in.  "I just can't live with myself thinking about how we buddied up to Saddam for so many years, even after he killed dozens of our finest servicemen with his attack on the U.S.S. Stark in 1987."  Powell was on President Reagan's National Security Council when Hussein committed his most horrendous crimes and later served as Secretary of Defense for Bush Senior when Hussein slaughtered the Shi'ites with U.S. troops standing passively by at the conclusion of Gulf War I.   Powell's efforts also helped buttress the apartheid regime in South Africa, assisted death squads killing hundreds of thousands of Central Americans, and got several thousand residents of Panama City killed in the U.S. invasion of 1989.  "Given all that I just can't be self-righteous about Saddam.  I belong at his side," said Powell.    

Arrested by the F.B.I., Condoleezza Rice fought back tears,.  "The sanctions, the sanctions!" she stammered.  "Over a million Iraqis killed while we strengthened Saddam's monstrous tyranny."  She remained inconsolable even after being informed she would be allowed to play piano for John Ashcroft in return for special privileges.  "Hundreds of thousands of children killed by our economic blockade.  What would Dr. King say?"

President Bush called for "Christian mercy" for his cabinet and "justice" for Saddam.  He promised the War on Terror would continue "until the Lord returns."  

 

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