Saddam Captured, Bush Vows "Justice Will Be Done!"
President Stoically Accepts Arrest of Cabinet Members Implicated
in Iraq Crimes
WASHINGTON (GWB) --
President Bush on Sunday said the capture of
toppled Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was good news for the Iraqi
people and the world.
"For the vast majority of Iraqi citizens who wish to live as
free men and women, this event brings further assurance that the
torture chambers and the secret police will now be in the hands of
good Christians who know right from wrong," Bush said during a
five-minute formal television address. "The world can
rest assured that God's justice will reign," added Bush, in
remarks that found immediate favor with Iraqi religious extremists.
In a somewhat surprising development, Saddam's co-conspirators were
quickly routed out after the former Iraqi dictator was found with
$750,000 in a "spider hole" in Tikrit. A chagrined
Donald Rumsfeld was captured on his way home from Church. "I'm
sorry I helped Saddam carry out that gassing business," said
the Defense Secretary. "Loyalty convinced me to comply
with President Reagan's wishes but now my conscience has caught up
with me." Rumsfeld is being transferred to the Hague
where he will stand trial for crimes against humanity. Slobodan
Milosevic immediately offered free legal advice.
Dick Cheney was nabbed at CIA headquarters where he was redacting
Agency documents to retroactively prove that Saddam ordered the 9-11
attacks. Faced with accusations that he and Halliburton had
profited off of rebuilding Saddam's oil industry after slaughtering
200,000 Iraqis in the first Gulf War, Cheney broke down in tears.
"I didn't mean any harm," he sobbed, "I was
just trying to get a few dollars together for a heart
Colin Powell turned himself in. "I just can't live with
myself thinking about how we buddied up to Saddam for so many years,
even after he killed dozens of our finest servicemen with his attack
on the U.S.S. Stark in 1987." Powell was on President
Reagan's National Security Council when Hussein committed his most
horrendous crimes and later served as Secretary of Defense for Bush
Senior when Hussein slaughtered the Shi'ites with U.S. troops
standing passively by at the conclusion of Gulf War I. Powell's
efforts also helped buttress the apartheid regime in South Africa,
assisted death squads killing hundreds of thousands of Central
Americans, and got several thousand residents of Panama City killed
in the U.S. invasion of 1989. "Given all that I just
can't be self-righteous about Saddam. I belong at his
side," said Powell.
Arrested by the F.B.I., Condoleezza Rice fought back tears,. "The
sanctions, the sanctions!" she stammered. "Over a
million Iraqis killed while we strengthened Saddam's monstrous
tyranny." She remained inconsolable even after being
informed she would be allowed to play piano for John Ashcroft in
return for special privileges. "Hundreds of thousands of
children killed by our economic blockade. What would Dr. King
President Bush called for "Christian mercy" for his
cabinet and "justice" for Saddam. He promised the
War on Terror would continue "until the Lord returns."