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Beat The Press Interviews President Boob


Beat The Press:  And we are in the Oval Office this morning with the President of the United States.  Mr. President, welcome back to ³Beat The Press.²

President Boob:  Thank you, sir.

Beat The Press:  On Friday, you announced the formation of a commission to look into intelligence failures.  You have been reluctant to do that for some time.  Why?

President Boob:  Well, itıs an election year (laughs).  The fact that we ordered our intelligence officials to back off of investigations of the Bin Laden family started by President Clinton might give people the wrong impression of my familyıs long-standing business relationship with the Bin Ladens and Saudi Arabia in general.  So, you know, this kind of PR commission has to be handled right so voters arenıt misled into casting their votes for the evildoers, that is, the Democrats.      

Also, let me kind of step back and talk about whether intelligence in general is all that intelligent, if I might.   See, intelligence is often flawed.  Which is why Vice President Cheney took it upon himself to go out to Langley and make sure they were coming up with facts that would lead to regime change in Iraq.  He knew that people have a tendency to be misled by logic and reason and he made sure they weren't in this case.   Iım very grateful to him.  

Beat The Press: Your commission is not scheduled to report conclusions until March of 2005, five months AFTER the presidential election.

President Boob:  Yeah.  I didn't want to play politics with national security.

Beat The Press:  Shouldn't the American people have the benefit of the commission
BEFORE the election?

President Boob:   There is going to be ample time for the American people to assess whether or not I made good calls, and I look forward to that debate once it no longer matters.

Beat The Press:  Some would call that cynicism.

President Boob:  Remember, I'm a war president.  Without war, there's not much for me to run for election on, not to mention my poll ratings would sink like a stone.  I can't be expected to focus attention on millions of lost jobs and a sea of red ink, can I?  

Beat The Press:  Will you testify before the commission?

President Boob:  Iıd be glad to, but like Condi I'll have to insist on testifying in secret and not under oath.  Neither she nor I will testify under oath.  I'm not going to make Clinton's mistake (laughs).  

Beat The Press:  Senator Charles Grassley, a Republican, said he is absolutely convinced we will capture Osama bin Laden before the election.

President Boob:  Well, I appreciate his optimism. Osama bin Laden is a cold-blooded killer, and he and John Kerry represent the nature of the enemy that we face.  These are people that will kill on a moment's notice, and theyıll kill innocent women and children and the frightening part about that is they're no longer doing it for the United States.  They've gone into business for themselves.  We can't tolerate that.  Competition is not allowed in the security field.  We own the patent on it.  

Beat The Press:  Do we have a pretty good idea where Osama is?

President Boob:  I suspect he's working with the Democrats.  Their whole line about the war in Iraq being a mistake was probably written by Bin Laden.  

Beat The Press:  Let's then turn to Iraq. How do you respond to critics who say that you brought the nation to war under false pretenses?

President Boob:  I tell them to get over it.  Sitting behind this desk I made a very difficult decision of war and peace.  I based my decision on the best intelligence possible, intelligence that had been manufactured, intelligence that told us what we wanted to hear.  Remember, we were attacked on 9-11, and that gave us a great opportunity to concoct new threats and unleash unfunded wars throughout the world.  But it took a lot of hard intelligence work to make the right threats seem real.   But we have a fabulous team, and they pulled it off.  

Beat The Press:  What about the fact that no WMD have been found in Iraq?

President Boob:  Saddam had the capacity to make weapons.  Saddam Hussein was dangerous with weapons.  Saddam Hussein was dangerous with the ability to make weapons.  He was a dangerous man in the dangerous part of the world among dangerous people with dangerous customs,  dangerous ideas, and dangerous clothing styles.   Danger was everywhere and it still is.  That's why the American people support me, because they're scared shitless.  They understand that I am helping reduce threats to their security by militarizing the Middle East, imposing a bloody occupation of Iraq, and blocking all investigation of Israeli war crimes.  

Beat The Press:  Mr. President, when you spoke to the country, you said "there is no doubt."  When Vice President Cheney spoke to the country, he said "there is no doubt."  Secretary Powell, "no doubt."  Secretary Rumsfeld, "no doubt, we know where the weapons are."  You said, quote, "The Iraqi regime is a threat of unique urgency.² ³Saddam Hussein is a threat that we must deal with as quickly as possible."  You gave the clear message that this was an immediate threat that must be dealt with.

President Boob:  I don't want to get into word contests.  If what I say today contradicts what I said yesterday, get used to it.  The important thing is that I be obeyed.   There was no doubt in my mind that Saddam Hussein was a danger to America. No doubt.  The people with the evidence hang-up will just have to learn to trust the president more.

Beat The Press:  In what way?

President Boob: Well, by helping us run off to war whether it makes sense or not.   If I start talking about shadowy terrorist networks that should be enough for everyone to get behind a series of unfunded wars, no questions asked.  I mean, doesn't that sound creepy?  Shadowy terrorist networks, shadowy terrorist networks, shadowy terrorist networks. (Shuddering)  Jeez, I feel like launching another war just thinking about it.  

Beat The Press:  You don't need a justification for war because you're the President?

President Boob:  Right.  Remember, I'm dealing with a world in which we have gotten struck by terrorists with airplanes and I did nothing to prevent it.  And the worst nightmare scenario for any president is to realize that the people have power.   We run the world and we're the ones who are supposed to make the decisions unimpeded by public opinion.  So when people start questioning our motives and conduct and pour into the streets in record numbers to protest, it's terrifying.  
 So people should stop questioning authority and just cower in the corner remembering that Saddam gassed his own people.  We have the receipts for the weapons he used, so we know it's true.

Beat The Press:  But can you launch a preventive war without iron-clad, absolute
intelligence that he still had weapons of mass destruction?

President Boob:  You can if you make it up.  That's the course we decided on back at Crawford well before the 2000 elections.  I told my staff:  "We can't rely on the evidence to support an invasion of Iraq, so let's use the latest PR techniques to get the American people to support war no matter what the facts are."  That's my record and I stand behind it.  

Beat The Press:  So what you told the American people was wrong?

President Boob:  Well, wrong in the technical sense that it was untrue.  But it was right in the higher moral sense of achieving our objective of taking over Iraq, which is leading us to a Golden Future as we speak.   

Beat The Press:  This is an important point.  You said he had biological and chemical weapons too. 

President Boob:  He did.  We have the receipts for those too.  Absolutely diabolical, he was.

Beat The Press:  But there are lots of such people in power around the world.  What about North Korea, which has nuclear capability and has threatened to turn America into a "sea of fire?"  And yet you call it a diplomatic issue.  Isn't this inconsistent?

President Boob:  Look, you have to put things in context.  North Korea has a big army and deadly weapons and they're sure to inflict a lot of damage on us if we get hostile.  So we've got to pick on the weak nations, the helpless nations.  That's why we forced Iraq to disarm and then invaded, to punish the helpless at minimal cost.
   Anyway,  I don't deal with logic and comparisons.  You think I'm some brainiac kind of guy like Al Gore?  All I know is you can't rely upon a madman, and Saddam Hussein was a madman the moment he stopped following U.S. orders in 1990.  You couldn't rely upon him making rational decisions about whom to torture and kill anymore.  So peace-loving people had to make war in order to preserve the peace.  Which is what my father did and what I did.

Beat The Press:  Now the vice president said, ³we would be greeted as liberators² in Iraq.

President Boob:  Truck bombings are the way liberators are greeted in that part of the world.  The insurgents don't think like us, they're pure evil.  They know that we are advancing on the path of freedom and they want to defeat that.  The fact that Americans are dying every day is actually good news.  It means that the freedom we are bringing to Iraq is threatening the position of the evildoers, so they lash out.  But sooner or later we'll put the whole country down a spider hole and then Iraq will be free.

Beat The Press:  Are you surprised by the level and intensity of resistance?

President Boob:  No, I'm not.  The greater the good you represent, the greater the evil will be against you.   So the more they attack us, the more it strengthens our resolve, because our cause is righteous. The more of our boys they kill, the more certain that victory is right around the corner.  If not, there's always Armageddon, which all good Christians look forward to.

Beat The Press:  If the Iraqis choose an Islamic extremist regime, would you accept that, and would that be better for the United States than Saddam Hussein?

President Boob:  They're not going to develop that.  And the reason I can say that is because I'm directing the basic law they're writing, which is how liberation works. Rest assured that right here in the Oval Office I sat down with Mr. Pachachi and Chalabi and al-Hakim, to tell them to write a constitution that recognizes minority rights and freedom of religion.  Since these principles will be forever associated with our invasion, which killed 10,000 Iraqis and wrecked the country, they're sure to be popular.

Beat The Press:  Are you now willing to allow the United Nations to play a central role in the reconstruction?

President Boob:  They can share in the dying, sure.  But the oil is ours and the construction contracts go to Dick Cheney and my friends.  We can't allow these Ba'athist fanatics to socialize it again.  That's why Halliburton and other oil companies are taking charge of oil production.  They're the experts on oil, they'll do the right thing.  

Beat The Press:  Now looking back, in your mind, is it worth the loss of 530 American lives and 3,000 injuries and woundings simply to remove Saddam Hussein, even though there were no weapons of mass destruction?

President Boob:  Every squandered life is precious - or was.  Every person that is willing to
fight and die for Halliburton and Bechtel deserves our praise, and yes it was worth it.  Oil is a vital national interest.  Our whole economy is based on it.  Can there be a more sacred cause than blood for transnational oil companies?  I don't think so.  America can shed its blood proudly in Iraq.   

Beat The Press:  In light of not finding the weapons of mass destruction, do you
believe the war in Iraq is a war of choice or a war of necessity?

President Boob:  War is always a choice.  You think people at the top don't have options?  Of course we do.  Peace is always an option, but war is a better one.  You can't sell obedience if peace is allowed to reign.  The rule is:  war to induce fear, fear to justify more wars.  That keeps the resources flowing into the right hands and prevents the people from seeing why their lives are going down the drain.  

Beat The Press:  On to the elections.  Mr. President, this campaign is fully engaged.  The chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Terence McAuliffe, said this last week:  "I look forward to that debate when John Kerry, a war hero with a chest full of medals, is standing next to George Bush, a man who was AWOL in the Alabama National Guard.  He didn't show up when he should have showed up"  How do you respond?

President Boob:  Political season is here.  I served in the National Guard in a unit that had zero chance of going to Vietnam.  I flew F-102 aircraft.  I snorted a lot of coke and therefore had to avoid the annual physical with drug test.  The honorable discharge I got came out of my nose! (laughs)   Anyway, I dropped out of my service early so I could go to Harvard Business School.  The Democrats can politicize it however they want, but this is the way the system works for rich kids.

Beat The Press:  Were you in favor of the war in Vietnam?

President Boob:  Sure, what's not to like?  We killed millions of Commies and destroyed the basis of independent nationalism in Southeast Asia forever.  I never understood what all the controversy was about.   

Beat The Press:  Let me turn to the economy.  The Bush-Cheney first three years, the unemployment rate has gone up 33 percent, there has been a loss of 2.2 million jobs.  We've gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $521 billion deficit.  The debt has gone from $5.7 trillion, to $7 trillion - up 23 percent.  Based on that record, why should the American people rehire you as CEO?

President Boob:  Because I have plotted a course that will make the original Great Depression look like a picnic.  After my tax cuts become permanent 1929 will be a footnote in the history books.  They'll probably end up calling it the "moderate downturn."   

Beat The Press:  You're taking responsibility for this?

President Boob:  Actually, it's Clinton's fault.  His immoral sex life caused the 9-11 attacks, which hurt the economy.   Then I gave billions of dollars in free money to downsizing corporations like Ford, GE, and the airlines, while letting the workers enjoy the genius of Wall Street success stories like Kenny Boy Lay.  But for some reason a lot of people lost confidence in the economy, some pessimists say because of wholesale looting by well-meaning officials dependent on unscrupulous bookkeepers.  But accounting is not all black and white and I'm glad to see no one has been punished.   

Beat The Press:  But when you proposed your first tax cut in 2001, you said this was going to generate 800,000 new jobs.  Your tax cut of 2003, create a million new jobs.  That has not happened.

President Boob:  Well, it's happening. There is good momentum when it comes to the creation of new jobs.  Just look at China.  Plenty of new jobs.

Beat The Press:  The General Accounting Office did a computer simulation on your fiscal policy and the computer blew up.  The last computation before the explosion showed that balancing the budget in 2040 would require increasing taxes by 50,000%.  The auditors say your legacy to the next generation will be as the Father of a national network of shanty towns.  

President Boob:  I'm not a mathematician, but I don't share the pessimism, which is not good for America.

Beat The Press:  Why as a fiscal conservative as you like to call yourself, would you allow a $500 billion deficit and this kind of deficit disaster?

President Boob:  Why not?  Look, the debt is owed to the people I've eliminated taxes on and they're good friends of mine.  They're making a fortune and contributing heavily to the GOP.  If the entire country is totally in debt to us forever, that means we're in charge forever.  I can't see anything wrong in that.
 Anyway, the budget I just proposed to the Congress, worked out by my friends at Andersen Accounting, shows a balanced budget starting in 2006, unless the tax and spend Democrats get in.  

Beat The Press:  How about Medicare?

President Boob:  Privatize it.  I'm strongly opposed to this idea that geezers deserve health care.    There are too many of them.  Look, if after six and a half decades on earth you still haven't saved enough to cover your own medical needs, you're a loser and should do without.  

Beat The Press:  What is your view of entitlements in general?

President Boob:  These entitlement programs need to be done away with.  They cut way into corporate profit margins and for what?  To give people a false sense of security.  The market is dog-eat-dog and it always will be.   Why pretend otherwise?  

Beat The Press:  Mr. President, last time you were on this show you said that you wanted to
change the tone in the nation.

President Bush:  I think I've delivered on that one - secret military tribunals authorized to execute people without due process of law.  That has improved the tone considerably.  And the belligerence level we've established is enough to make Teddy Roosevelt cringe.  No, I don't think we can be criticized at all on this score.

Beat The Press:  Why do you think you are perceived as such a divider?

President Bush:  Gosh, I don't know, maybe because I said, "You're either with us or with the terrorists?"     

Beat The Press:  Your unfavorable ratings around the world are through the roof.  Any comment?

President Boob:  People are so hung up on jobs, universal health care, and saving the environment that they forget about the war against evil.  You can't do that.  God runs the world and the secular folks are just aiding the Devil.  I won't be a party to it.   

Beat The Press:  Biggest issues in the presidential campaign?

President Boob:  Gay marriage.  I got that non-procreative sex thing out of my system bed-hopping for years with all those West Texas bimbos.  Now I'm committed to Christian marriage.  Incidentally, I agree with Governor Schwarzenegger that gay marriage is fine as long as it's between a man and a woman.   

Beat The Press:  Mr. President, we thank you for sharing your views.  I hope there is still a country left when we visit you again.

President Boob:  Thank you.

³Beat The Press.²
İ 2004 GWB Interactive



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