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Al Qaeda Bombers Endorse Bush
Terrorists Thank Allah For America's 'Holy Idiot'
POSTED: 11:19 a.m. EST March 18, 2004

CAIRO, Egypt -- An Islamic militant group claiming responsibility for the train bombings in Spain endorsed a second term for President George W. Bush yesterday, praising his "idiocy and religious fanaticism," which the group said is helping to "wake up" the Islamic world.

In the statement, the group praised Allah for raising up the perfect leader to advance their cause, citing direct and plenary inspiration in Bush's calling the War on Terror a "crusade," turning the stomach of the entire world with constant lying and aggression, and placing thousands of U.S. soldiers in hopeless battle positions in the heart of the Middle East.  

"Truly we are blessed," said Mullah Omar from his mountain hideout in Afghanistan. "Never in our wildest imaginings could we have hoped for a gift more precious than Bush.  He is the poster boy of our international movement."  Even many Western analysts say that Bush's "Operation Sitting Duck" in Iraq is providing cheap and accessible apprenticeships for aspiring terrorists intending to graduate to targets inside the U.S. after getting some local experience under their belt.

Islamic recruiters from Cairo to Western China say the phone has been ringing off the wall since Bush launched his world domination crusade.  "I get no peace," complained a Moroccan recruiter.  "All day and far into the night it's the same thing, one desperate voice after another begging to be allowed to help expel  'The Mother of all Imbeciles.'"   "I barely get a chance to see my family anymore."

Nevertheless, some recruiters are daring to speculate that Bush's penchant for self-destruction may eventually make Al Qaeda terror obsolete.  "It's not hard to foresee a situation where Bush economic policies will destroy the U.S. outright without the aid of a single terrorist bombing," said Diaa Rashwan of the Institute For Suicide Analysis in Islamabad.  "At that point blowing up individual targets in a collapsing infrastructure won't make much sense."     

Western terror experts are expressing concern over increasing perceptions of Bush as the world's number one terrorist even among non-Muslims.  According to a recent Pew poll 94% of the world's non-Muslim population rates Bush more destructive than the H-bomb.  "At least with the H-bomb, there is a way to dismantle it," said one respondent.  "But with Bush, the scale of disaster just keeps widening.  There's no end to it."   

Al Qaeda's endorsement of Bush raises the intriguing possibility of its sleeper cells in the U.S. campaigning for his election.  With lots of ready cash the organization may find that leafleting for the GOP is the most cost-effective way to bring down the United States.  Apparently many Al Qaeda recruits are beginning to feel that the self-hatred of the Republicans is more powerful than the purest streams of anti-American loathing on their part.   Since very few self-respecting terrorists are prepared to admit they have superiors in the hatred department, this type of conclusion tends to be faced only gradually.  

"It's a psychological barrier, a kind of denial mechanism," says Psychiatrist John Blodgett at Johns Hopkins University.  "Terrorists pride themselves on belonging to the most destructive and fearsome group in the world.  But this Bush gang is a nihilist's wet dream.  No one really compares to them in the power of their malevolence.  Hard as it is to face, more and more Al Qaeda members are reluctantly beginning to admit it."

The obvious policy conclusion has been stated in the latest and shortest video ever from Osama Bin Laden.  "Four more years!"

Copyright 2004 by The GWB Press. All rights reserved. This material may be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Bush Vows to Print "As Much Money As It Takes" to Defeat Debt

Author: Presses Groan Under Added Load

Posted: 10:35 AM (-0500 TZ)

President Bush toured the Denver Mint on Wednesday as the nation's paper money presses reached capacity. "We can print unlimited money because it's really only paper," Bush assured nervous Wall Street analysts. "But we need the right equipment or we let the terrorists win."

Mint officials have ordered additional printing presses from Taiwan to keep up with surging demand. "We must print over a billion dollars a day to cover the $400 billion in red ink this year alone, and that puts enormous strain on our equipment," said Henrietta Fore, Director of the United States Mint. Mint officials are considering alternatives, such as a $200 bill, wooden nickels, and bartering with fowl. "We like to think outside the coop," winked Ms. Fore.

Government spending, having leaped by 27% over the last two years alone, is creating unprecedented demand in the mint and paper industry. The price of high-grade paper has jumped to levels not seen since the heady Reagan era, stimulating economic activity in the industrial sector and saving the Bush economic plan.

The President jauntily deflected criticism that toilet paper would soon be worth more than the national currency, stating this could happen "only if Tom Daschle's face gets on the bills."

Plans for getting Bush's face on a new denomination are accelerating. House Majority Leader Tom Delay recommended it be used on a million dollar bill, which he claimed would be popular with the nation's burgeoning pack of upwardly mobile medievalists.


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