Al Qaeda Bombers Endorse Bush
Terrorists Thank Allah For America's
'Holy Idiot'
POSTED: 11:19 a.m. EST
March 18, 2004
CAIRO, Egypt -- An Islamic militant group
claiming responsibility for the train bombings in Spain endorsed a
second term for President George W. Bush yesterday, praising his
"idiocy and religious fanaticism," which the group said is
helping to "wake up" the Islamic world.
In the statement, the group praised Allah for raising up the perfect
leader to advance their cause, citing direct and plenary inspiration
in Bush's calling the War on Terror a "crusade," turning
the stomach of the entire world with constant lying and aggression,
and placing thousands of U.S. soldiers in hopeless battle positions
in the heart of the Middle East.
"Truly we are blessed," said Mullah Omar from his mountain
hideout in Afghanistan. "Never in our wildest imaginings could
we have hoped for a gift more precious than Bush. He is the
poster boy of our international movement." Even many
Western analysts say that Bush's "Operation Sitting Duck"
in Iraq is providing cheap and accessible apprenticeships for
aspiring terrorists intending to graduate to targets inside the U.S.
after getting some local experience under their belt.
Islamic recruiters from Cairo to Western China say the phone has
been ringing off the wall since Bush launched his world domination
crusade. "I get no peace," complained a Moroccan
recruiter. "All day and far into the night it's the same
thing, one desperate voice after another begging to be allowed to
help expel 'The Mother of all Imbeciles.'" "I
barely get a chance to see my family anymore."
Nevertheless, some recruiters are daring to speculate that Bush's
penchant for self-destruction may eventually make Al Qaeda terror
obsolete. "It's not hard to foresee a situation where
Bush economic policies will destroy the U.S. outright without the
aid of a single terrorist bombing," said Diaa Rashwan of the
Institute For Suicide Analysis in Islamabad. "At that
point blowing up individual targets in a collapsing infrastructure
won't make much sense."
Western terror experts are expressing concern over increasing
perceptions of Bush as the world's number one terrorist even among
non-Muslims. According to a recent Pew poll 94% of the world's
non-Muslim population rates Bush more destructive than the H-bomb.
"At least with the H-bomb, there is a way to dismantle
it," said one respondent. "But with Bush, the scale
of disaster just keeps widening. There's no end to it."
Al Qaeda's endorsement of Bush raises the intriguing possibility of
its sleeper cells in the U.S. campaigning for his election. With
lots of ready cash the organization may find that leafleting for the
GOP is the most cost-effective way to bring down the United States.
Apparently many Al Qaeda recruits are beginning to feel that
the self-hatred of the Republicans is more powerful than the purest
streams of anti-American loathing on their part. Since
very few self-respecting terrorists are prepared to admit they have
superiors in the hatred department, this type of conclusion tends to
be faced only gradually.
"It's a psychological barrier, a kind of denial
mechanism," says Psychiatrist John Blodgett at Johns Hopkins
University. "Terrorists pride themselves on belonging to
the most destructive and fearsome group in the world. But this
Bush gang is a nihilist's wet dream. No one really compares to
them in the power of their malevolence. Hard as it is to face,
more and more Al Qaeda members are reluctantly beginning to admit
it."
The obvious policy conclusion has been stated in the latest and
shortest video ever from Osama Bin Laden. "Four more
years!"
Copyright 2004 by The GWB Press.
All rights reserved. This material may be published, broadcast,
rewritten or redistributed.
Bush Vows to Print "As Much Money As It Takes" to Defeat Debt
Author: Presses Groan Under Added Load
DENVER (GWB) --
President Bush toured the Denver Mint on Wednesday as the nation's paper money
presses reached capacity. "We can print unlimited money because it's really
only paper," Bush assured nervous Wall Street analysts. "But we need the right
equipment or we let the terrorists win."
Mint officials have ordered additional printing presses from Taiwan to keep up
with surging demand. "We must print over a billion dollars a day to cover the
$400 billion in red ink this year alone, and that puts enormous strain on our
equipment," said Henrietta Fore, Director of the United States Mint. Mint
officials are considering alternatives, such as a $200 bill, wooden nickels, and
bartering with fowl. "We like to think outside the coop," winked Ms. Fore.
Government spending, having leaped by 27% over the last two years alone, is
creating unprecedented demand in the mint and paper industry. The price of
high-grade paper has jumped to levels not seen since the heady Reagan era,
stimulating economic activity in the industrial sector and saving the Bush
economic plan.
The President jauntily deflected criticism that toilet paper would soon be worth
more than the national currency, stating this could happen "only if Tom
Daschle's face gets on the bills."
Plans for getting Bush's face on a new denomination are accelerating. House
Majority Leader Tom Delay recommended it be used on a million dollar bill, which
he claimed would be popular with the nation's burgeoning pack of upwardly mobile
medievalists.
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