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G.I. Suicides Soar As Bush Jokes About Absent WMDs

With Troop Morale At 'Rock Bottom' President Exploits Tragedy For Political Gain

By Michael K. Smith
President Bush joked about the absence of WMDs in Iraq Wednesday night during the annual dinner of the Pentagon News Association.  As a series of slides showed the president looking behind furniture in the Oval Office, Bush told the audience, "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be here somewhere... otherwise I've killed a lot of American boys for nothing."  Laughter erupted from the crowd at this witticism, as journalists, politicians and their guests enjoyed the uproarious spectacle of a country wrecked and thousands of people killed on a completely fraudulent pretext.     

White House spokeswoman Bea Slick said Thursday the president's comments were meant to be light.   "It's traditional at events like this dinner for the president to poke fun at those he's used and abused,'' she said.  "The troops who feel that their buddies got killed for nothing should just lighten up," she added.   

Meanwhile, in Baghdad, troop morale hit "rock bottom" as U.S. soldiers continued to take their lives in record numbers.  U.S. mental health specialists are puzzled at this phenomenon and have so far uncovered no clue as to why the G.I.s aren't thrilled to be imposing a bloody occupation on a population that loathes them with every fiber of its being.   Pentagon Psychiatrist Sigmund Fraud flatly denied any logical reason for the poor morale.  "What's not to like here?  We've got a great puppet government, plenty of looting opportunities, and we've converted half the female population to prostitution.  Our troops never had it so good!"   

A possibly relevant factor in the troops being less than cheerful are the daily attacks blowing them to pieces while the president continues to extract political advantage from declaring the war a success.   Bombings, ambushes, scorching heat, harsh living conditions, and constant lies from Secretary Rumsfeld and other Pentagon officials are associated with the troops' low morale, although Pentagon spokesmen caution reporters that there is no evidence of a causal connection as yet.

Meanwhile, the Army Times continues to be deluged in suicide notes.   "I can't take it anymore," reads one recent note, "our paths have been strewn with bombs, not the flowers President Bush promised us."  Another note complains that the 72-hour cakewalk has turned into a permanent nightmare.  "We have enslaved Iraq under new management and called it liberation," said the note.  Still another says counterinsurgency work isn't all it's cracked up to be:  "After hooking a guy's nuts up to a car battery a few times, I discovered I had a strong desire to blow my brains out.  So that's what I'm  doing."

Dr. Fraud is currently conducting a major Army study to determine what might be done to cheer the troops up.  One recent idea is to import massive amounts of opium from Afghanistan, where the U.S. puppet regime has revived the industry after the Taliban banned it.  Another is to have Bush and Rumsfeld do night patrol in the Sunni triangle.  

In one Army unit, an officer described the current mentality of the troops this way:  "They vent to anyone who will listen.  They write letters, they cry, they yell.  Many of them walk around visibly tired and depressed . . . They feel like pawns in a game that we have no voice in."   Downplaying the significance of the report, Secretary Rumsfeld pointed out that they sound just like voters back home.  
Michael K. Smith is the author of "The Madness of King George," available from Common Courage Press (illustrations by Matt Wuerker)


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