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Bush Consoles Flooded Fijians

Snorkels and Fins The Solution To Global Warming, president insists

Friday, March 26, 2004
DOLAK, NEW GUINEA---President Bush traveled by submarine to the island of Fiji yesterday, then returned to New Guinea to give a speech downplaying the dangers of Global Warming.   He rejected calls for reducing US carbon dioxide emissions, reiterating his conviction that there is "no connection wheresoever" between Fiji's being underwater and the heating up of the earth's atmosphere.  Dubiously receiving the President's remarks were Fiji's 12,000 flooded out residents, who politely clapped rubber fins handed out by the GOP.  According to scientists, many Pacific islands are threatened as oceans continue to rise from global warming caused by carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles and industry.  
  Bush spoke on the way back from an economic summit in Australia at which he urged other nations to maximize industrial emissions.   Praising the Fijians' "positive attitude," the president said the people of the United States appreciated their sacrifices.  "Because of your flexibility, and your courage, Americans can continue driving SUVs and increasing the industrial production that makes us the envy of the world.  He added that the islanders' altruistic spirit is worthy of his favorite philospher, Jesus Christ:  "You have sacrificed your homeland for the cause of international economic development.  And the United States has shown its gratitude by relocating you here, on the beautiful island of New Guinea."  

Scientists report that rising global temperatures are melting polar ice caps and raising ocean levels at an alarming rate.  Bush's  speech, the first in which he has addressed the specific consequences of global warming, was greeted with a mixture of polite applause, stony-faced silence, and heckling, one catcaller shouting that Bush was a "corporate scumbag" who had "sold the planet down the river" to the energy corporations.  The protestor was immediately removed from the hall by Secret Service agents, who deposited him in a secret tribunal at an undisclosed location.  Defense Secretary Rumsfeld assured reporters that he was being treated well, as evidenced by his "several remaining fingernails."

While Bush downplayed environmental dangers, his own Pentagon released a report warning that major European cities will soon be sunk beneath rising seas while Britain will be plunged into a 'Siberian' climate. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting will also erupt across the world say the Defense Department experts.    Their document predicts that abrupt climate change will bring the planet to the edge of anarchy as countries develop a nuclear threat to defend and secure dwindling food, water and energy supplies.  "Disruption and conflict will be endemic features of life,' concludes the Pentagon analysis. "Once again, warfare will define human life."  
  Reached for comment, President Bush said simply:  "What's wrong with that?" while Dick Cheney dismissed the authors of the study as "wacko liberals."  Recent economic reports indicate that the Vice-President has millions of dollars in a bio-engineering firm developing a human being with flippers, though no conflict of interest is believed to exist.

Bush maintains his position that there is no reason to cut back on fossil fuel consumption, which high-powered energy and oil companies say is vital in sustaining consumerism for its own sake.  "The energy folks know what's best," said Bush, " and we all have to go along with them."   

Daily Spin Unlimited 2004


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