Snorkels and Fins The Solution To Global Warming, president
insists
Friday, March 26, 2004
DOLAK, NEW GUINEA---President Bush traveled by submarine to the
island of Fiji yesterday, then returned to New Guinea to give a
speech downplaying the dangers of Global Warming. He
rejected calls for reducing US carbon dioxide emissions, reiterating
his conviction that there is "no connection wheresoever"
between Fiji's being underwater and the heating up of the earth's
atmosphere. Dubiously receiving the President's remarks were
Fiji's 12,000 flooded out residents, who politely clapped rubber
fins handed out by the GOP. According to scientists, many
Pacific islands are threatened as oceans continue to rise from
global warming caused by carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles
and industry.
Bush spoke on the way back from an economic summit in
Australia at which he urged other nations to maximize industrial
emissions. Praising the Fijians' "positive
attitude," the president said the people of the United States
appreciated their sacrifices. "Because of your
flexibility, and your courage, Americans can continue driving SUVs
and increasing the industrial production that makes us the envy of
the world. He added that the islanders' altruistic spirit is
worthy of his favorite philospher, Jesus Christ: "You
have sacrificed your homeland for the cause of international
economic development. And the United States has shown its
gratitude by relocating you here, on the beautiful island of New
Guinea."
Scientists report that rising global temperatures are melting polar
ice caps and raising ocean levels at an alarming rate. Bush's
speech, the first in which he has addressed the specific
consequences of global warming, was greeted with a mixture of polite
applause, stony-faced silence, and heckling, one catcaller shouting
that Bush was a "corporate scumbag" who had "sold the
planet down the river" to the energy corporations. The
protestor was immediately removed from the hall by Secret Service
agents, who deposited him in a secret tribunal at an undisclosed
location. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld assured reporters that he
was being treated well, as evidenced by his "several remaining
fingernails."
While Bush downplayed environmental dangers, his own Pentagon
released a report warning that major European cities will soon be
sunk beneath rising seas while Britain will be plunged into a
'Siberian' climate. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and
widespread rioting will also erupt across the world say the Defense
Department experts. Their document predicts that
abrupt climate change will bring the planet to the edge of anarchy
as countries develop a nuclear threat to defend and secure dwindling
food, water and energy supplies. "Disruption and conflict
will be endemic features of life,' concludes the Pentagon analysis.
"Once again, warfare will define human life."
Reached for comment, President Bush said simply: "What's
wrong with that?" while Dick Cheney dismissed the authors of
the study as "wacko liberals." Recent economic
reports indicate that the Vice-President has millions of dollars in
a bio-engineering firm developing a human being with flippers,
though no conflict of interest is believed to exist.
Bush maintains his position that there is no reason to cut back on
fossil fuel consumption, which high-powered energy and oil companies
say is vital in sustaining consumerism for its own sake. "The
energy folks know what's best," said Bush, " and we all
have to go along with them."
