Bush Appoints Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq
Gropenfuehrer To Head Up Iraq Sex Probe, President
By Michael K. Smith
Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 6:29 PM EDT (2229
(GWB) --President Bush appointed California
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Warden of Iraq yesterday, promising
the U.S. would get to the bottom of the Abu Ghraib sex abuse scandal
once and for all. "It is time to put the hypercriticism
to rest and find out how we are completely innocent," said Bush
in a national radio address. "No one probes more
thoroughly than I do," added Schwarzenegger from Sacramento.
Schwarzenegger told the Los Angeles Times that his three decades
molesting women in public make him uniquely qualified to understand
what went wrong in Iraq. "I can tell you one mistake they made
right now. Cameras are supposed to be used to transmit
unreality, not reality. That's basic. I can't believe
they used them for showing the truth."
Schwarzennegger went immediately to work to restore American
perspective on the Abu Ghraib scandal. "Yes it is
true that American soldiers were on some rowdy action sets in Iraq
and may have done things that were not right and which they thought
were playful," Schwarzenegger said at a San Diego rally kicking
off a four-day fundraiser for Gropers Anonymous. "But
other than the homosexual stuff, what did they do that was really
Later, the Governor softened and issued a public apology: "We
now recognize that corralling innocent people and sodomizing them
can bruise feelings. To those sensitive few we may have
offended, I want to say that we are deeply sorry the cameras were
there and we apologize," he said.
In the rest of his speech, Schwarzenegger vowed to be a
"hands-on" champion of the sexually abused from now on.
"The laying on of hands can be a real healing
experience," he said, "and I intend to help as many
victims as possible."
Dan Blather talked with former President Clinton about President
Bush and Governor Schwarzenegger's handling of the Iraq prison abuse
crisis. The following is an edited transcript:
Blather: What does the Schwarzenegger appointment mean?
Clinton: It means that sexual contact between U.S. security
forces and Iraqi civilians is a private matter that the media have
no business meddling in. Enough already with this Sexual
Blather: Great point! There is one thing
you can say about a Hollywood actor ... he knows how to put on a
production. He left for Baghdad on his airbus nicknamed "The
Molester." This suggests he can poke fun at himself as well as
bodily appendages at women. That's versatility, isn't it?
Clinton: It certainly is. Of course, I
tried some diversionary jokes out on Ken Starr, but they never
seemed to tickle his funny bone. I guess I need more work on
Blather: Do you think President Bush values Governor
Schwarzenegger's experience with group sex and groping women?
Clinton: I do. Remember, President Bush spent
the Vietnam years bed-hopping with West Texas bimbos, so he
appreciates a manly man as much as anyone. And Schwarzenegger
was just trying to bring publicity to weightlifting by getting
involved in group sex. That is obviously a sound strategy that
will reap similar dividends in Iraq. Maybe he can schedule a
kind of Sexual Olympics there and pass off the whole Abu Ghraib
business as the learning phase for a new sport. It's worth a
Blather: Any chance you'll get back in action yourself?
Clinton: I don't think so. I'm really an amateur
at this sex abuse business. That's why I got bogged down in
thong underwear and cigars and what the meaning of the word is is.
Attack dogs and mass sodomy are well beyond my range.
Blather: Well, we all enjoyed it nonetheless.
Clinton: Except Hillary! (laughs)
Michael K. Smith is the author of "The Madness of King
George" (illustrations by Matt Wuerker), from Common Courage